Cupcakes For Life: I Can’t Make This Shit Up If I Tried

It is my nature to find humor in things that are not intended to be funny. I’ve been doing it since my fifth grade birthday when my mom took my friends and I to the movies to watch What Women Want, starring Mel Gibson, and I mst3k’d through all the serious, romancey parts.

But I don’t know what to say here. I really am at a loss for words.

We have cupcakes baked and sent out to spread the word of God.  I cannot even come up with a silly story to satirically describe how great of an idea this is. I feel like if I did that, I would have to take a long and cold shower. But I don’t have time to shower, and I have to pick up my car in a little bit from the shop. I don’t have the mental strength to deal with making this shit funnier that it already is. I just need my readers to acknowledge that such a thing exists.

Please just go to the site and see for yourself. I’ve specifically linked you to the “Why” page, because that’s exactly the point. Why? Just why?

Q.) What if I run into a pro-choicer and they smash the cupcakes in my face?

A.) Wipe the cake off your face and share the rest of them with someone less angry inside. Go with courage and go with love, the unborn need you to be their voice.

Why?

Bring in a tray of cupcakes for any group of people and you will find that they will flock to get them. As soon as they take a bite they will probably ask, “Who’s birthday is it?”

Then you answer. “It’s no ones birthday. These cupcakes represent the 50,000,000 children who weren’t allowed to be born, who never had a birthday.” The cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber. Then you say, “If you and I were aborted we wouldn’t have a birthday party either.”

I’m not even sure how I should be ending this. With a joke? Why? Really, what is the point? I feel dirty. Maybe I should shower anyway.

Local Teen So Pissed About ‘Take Back the Night’, Burns Paper Over His Mom’s Kitchen Sink In Retaliation

Youtube’s MRAliberator has had absolutely enough of Take Back the Night. Wikipedia, a completely viable source, claims that this night of reclamation “is an internationally held march and rally intended as a protest and direct action against rape and other forms of violence against women, originated by the feminist movement.” Again, this Youtube user has just about enough. The stress of college tuition and papers is enough to make ones skin crawl. So why must a presumably safe student have to endure such tedious protests?

Well, they don’t, per say. But they have to hear about it. And oh, how they do. All the time. Like, there are fliers all over the common room bulletin board, and that’s where he chills with his sophomore friends to drink Red Bull and play Ragnorak with his online buddies. Year after year.

Translation: Okay, I’m going to explain a little bit about what this is about. And it’s about just the whole feminist lies and the whole ‘Take Back the Night’ lie that basically- I have to hear it year and year again at my college, and I’m getting just so damned sick. It’s just basically a watered-down version of the radical feminist claim that all men are rapists. And I am just so damned sick. And I, I… just can’t.. I honestly can’t take it anymore. And now [pause] Y’know [pause] [begins to light paper that reads 'Take Back the Night' on fire with a match] [sniffles] [slight weeping, sobbing is heard] Yeah, you want me to take back the night? I just took back the night right there!

Now you can take it back in style!

There is no safer, greener way to show your resistence by burning a piece of paper over your mom’s sink. For one, the sink is not yours. It’s your mothers. Two, you’re not using expensive and pollutive gas to drive to any counter-protest agendas or meetings. Granted, you are using a piece of paper, but think of the amount of counter-protest signs you’d be using if you were doing anything that may have been more productive to your cause! Perhaps somewhere between two to five signs? And the markers? Phew, listen, you’re better off just doing this at home.

Want to take back the night yourself, the manly man way? No homo. Buy an anti-Take Back the Night t-shirt. The model is a male, of course, to demonstrate how this comfy cotton tee is not to be worn by the faint of heart (women!). It’s totally cool; only $19.99USD. Order today.

Dominican Republic Worried Not Enough Dead Women, Bans Abortion

In an effort to increase the number of dead women in sunny Domincan Republic, Congress has decided to completely outlaw all forms of abortion. This includes cases of rape, incest, and if the woman’s life is in danger.

“[Hopefully,] the number of maternal deaths – currently about 160 per 100,000 live births – will increase considerably with the approval of the amendment.” stated the Obstetrics Society. And with such an approval indeed! The figures are based off unsafe abortions having already been practiced in the Republic, and with the termination of the termination of pregnancy, supporters of Article 30 will have the sweet coppery smell of crimson liquid gold upon their cold, deserving slabs of pork in which they refer to there as “las manos“1!

"We want to see less living women and more babies crying over the bodies of the only thing that could've cared about them! MOM WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME!" comments a local supporter of the ban.

To contribute to the number of free parking spaces and shorter lines at the local market, the amendment is also prohibiting certain types of birth control. One such form would be the IUD, which according to Lillian Fundera, a gynecologist, 15-20% of women living in the Dominican Republic use.  With the outlaw of such birth control, it is true that birth rates will increase. But with increasing pregnancy rates also comes the uplifting mortality rate among pregnancies, which sources tell us is just the ticket they need. “More babies, more dead moms. More babies with no mothers means more dead babies. And even if not, the fact that anyone is dead at all is really what this is all about.” a local pastor told reporters.

Thankfully and expectedly, the Church played a major roll in the destruction of it’s Dominican peoples. With four Inquisitions and going strong, the Catholic faith has more than enough experience to lead their people on the flight back home (to heaven).

1las manos; eng: hands

Breaking News: Nice Guy Turned Down Once Again

Fitzkerpatrick Riley, 19, of Long Island, New York, has once again been brutally rejected and dejected by a female friend after inquiring about possible sexually romantic relations. The tragic event happened last night at around 11:30PM, following the perp Nicole Vrouwt’s lamenting of her boyfriend’s disrespect for her.

dragonslayer1337: well, i’m here for you ^.^

wtfudgeryqueen: thanks man. between my parents getting a divorce and school and now conner calling me a bitch for being so stressed and anxious, i really don’t know where to turn. i just want to make this fuckin work!

dragonslayer1337: yeah.. nicole, i would never do that to you

wtfudgeryqueen: i know, i’m really thankful for my friends, you’ve really stuck by me! thank you so much!

dragonslayer1337: you should leave him, nikki, he’s no good for you. i can’t believe he called you a bitch!!? that’s so sexist and shit. i would never call a woman a bitch

hey umm… ^_^ maybe we should be together instead? LAWL JK ^_^ heh

wtfudgeryqueen: heh

dragonslayer1337: would you want to though?

wtfudgeryqueen: UMMMM… fitz.. :/ sorry but i’mwith conner and i love him. but thank yuo for being my friend

dragonslayer1337: whatever you ungrateful bitch bye

dragonslayer1337   signed off at 11:32:45 PM.

Upon being subjected to this harrowing misfortune, Mr. Riley proceeded to instant message her via his unknown AOL Instant Messenger aliases, calling her a “stupid bitch”, “misleading whore”, and “I can’t believe you made Fitz cry like that. I’m his cousin and he just called me to tell me he was going to hang himself, you should be so ashamed. I think you should give him a second chance. He really loves you.”

This is the third woman Mr. Riley has pursued with the ultimatum of rejection. The first perp denied him harshly and ceased all communications with him. Our Fitzpatrick, trite and true, kept on trucking after his second, who had denied access to her orifices twice. Our hero pretended to remain friends with Second Perp and eventually almost made it, before she woke up and also broke all communications with him.

In line of defense, Fitzpatrick Riley has started an art journal collection of all the vicious women who have incautiously bereaved him of any cuddling. Themes consist of over-bloating, tentacle penetration, and reverse situations of the characters begging him to blow him while he plays Resident Evil 5. He satisfyingly denies.

This Just In: Pro-Life Checks Remind People of Babies Every Time They Pay For Stuff

Heritage House is selling “pro-life themed” checks to remind individuals of the cause, even when they’re paying for shit. These themes include photos of the feet of newborn infants and simulated-fetuses, photos of smiling babies from their first few months, a baby with costume angel wings- most likely simulating what seems to be death, and a smiling toddler in front of Patriotic U.S. American stars.

“I really like to be reminded of babies,”one woman reported gladsomely. “All the time. They’re like my passion. It makes me really happy thinking about babies. I really enjoy using my checkbook as much as possible now, because I get to see babies when I do. It’s really very rewarding.”

A box of one hundred fifty single checks go for $12.95. That’s almost two hundred miracles for thirteen bucks. That is a deal and a half! The site also gives you the option of customizing your own address labels and photo card/note sets with pictures of your own little abortion survivors, so you can show them off to your friends at Christmas a second time!

Have you ever wished you could reach more people with the Pro-Life message?

Yes!

Finally, Pro-Life checks from a Pro-Life company!

Oh thank GOD! These people want whoever they are financially associated with to know the truth: that life is precious. They’ve been lied to all their lives into thinking it isn’t, when it really is. These tactics aren’t vague at all. Life is precious, babies are precious, and abortion is the murder of babies. Who would want to murder babies? Totally born, out of the uterus babies? Let me write you a check and ask you again.

Who!

Newsflash: Guys On Tech Blog Accuse Opinionated Woman of Lesbianism, Claim They Wouldn’t Fuck Her Anyway

A surge of males ranging from eleven to sixty years of age have taken residence in a popular news-related tech site to discuss the recent problems with feminism. These discrepancies include oppositions to “rape” crisis, distaste for complimentary “sexual-harassment”, the fact that they can totally hit them and they can’t fight back because the girls would get so mad and call the cops, and the demise of chivalry, among other dire circumstances.

As of 7:12PM, tonight on this Sunday of April 12th, 2009, the proclomation has been set: that all whiney and opionated females, especially those who title themselves “feminists”, are totally dykes. Let it also be known that these prominent male figures soooo wouldn’t fuck them, like, even if the girls totally begged for it.

In response to a feminist-specimen posting her objection to rape on a popular video-sharing website, one user was quoted:

Oh look, a lesbian on youtube.

The comment was followed by individuals stating their own objections to her confusing and inconvenient position, along with successfully-driven comments about making deli-meat sandwiches and staying in someones kitchen.

While 92% of the commentors were male, 8% of the self-loathing group were in fact female. PleaseLikeMe99 responded with the following:

Yeah, get back in the kitchen. Right guys? I’m a girl, but this girl is sooo dumb! Right? It’s ironic? Please like me.

The meeting was called into place initially due to the overwhelming targeting of words against their own sexual choices, which involved intoxicating women for sexual favors. Board Planner Anonymous had this to say to the press:

We don’t like when people say we rape girls. Just because a girl is drunk it doesn’t mean she can’t say yes. You are taking that woman’s right away if you think that! Seriously, if that’s legally rape, then I guess I’ve raped a lot of women in my life! How else are we going to have sex in college? Not with those feminists dykes, I’ll tell you that.

It was advised to all women that if she was not in the mood to have sex, she should not be out drinking, because things would just happen. This would imply that all men are out to “rape” them, therefore, perpetuating the comforting notion that all feminists think men are evil, thus the cycle of supression of the dykes would still fall into play.